


Mea Culpa

by sahem62896



Category: Oz (TV)
Genre: Gen, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-17
Updated: 2014-05-17
Packaged: 2018-01-25 11:37:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1647263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sahem62896/pseuds/sahem62896
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone in Oz is trying to play God... even Father Ray.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mea Culpa

**Author's Note:**

> This short story is based on this scene which was cut from the show: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DD9DCo-x39w&sns=em](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DD9DCo-x39w&sns=em)
> 
> As usual, I own nothing. This is for fun and to keep the creative engine well-greased.  
> \----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_"Next time you point a finger I'll point you to the mirror..." —Paramore_

 

As a seminarian, I once asked one of my instructors why it is that people will confess to doing the most reprehensible things to other people and beg for God's forgiveness but they seem to be dead set against doing anything outside of that confessional to set things right with the people they harmed once they have done their penance. He said that most times it was because they were more afraid of man's vengeance than they were of God's. After working in Oz for as long as I have, I thought that I was fully qualified to say that that old guy didn't know what he was talking about. The prisoners here in Em City aren't afraid of man's vengeance; they are the embodiment of it. Accordingly, they don't seem to be too afraid of God's vengeance either because each one of them is too busy trying to play God around here.

That doesn't just apply prisoners in here, by the way. The CO's, the warden, McManus... every last one of them trying to keep the place under their thumb. Even Sister Pete to some degree is guilty of this. She'd been too wrapped up in resenting Chris Keller for his manipulative behavior and trying to suck up the guts to leave the convent to comfort his lover, Tobias Beecher, when his children were kidnapped. And as shockingly inappropriate as some of the things Tobias said to her when he finally called her out on her hypocrisy, he was right. He needed her and she was way too preoccupied thinking about her own problems to be of service to him or to God.

And me? Yeah, it would seem that I'm playing God around here too. And would you believe that it's that very same manipulative egomaniac, Chris Keller, who made that clear to me?

Now, I'll admit that I don't like the man and I never have. Some of it has to do with what he did to Pete, and of course some of it has to do with how he's treated Tobias. Mostly, it's just because he's just plain insolent. He does what's right as long as serves his needs. As soon as it stops being comfortable for him, he tosses it to the trash and moves on. For example, the other day he came to me in confession and admitted to murdering some homosexual men before coming to Oz and asked me to absolve him. It's not the first time someone has confessed to murder to me, certainly not in Oz. I've also heard a lot more shocking and irrational reasons for killing someone than the one Chris gave me for doing it; he said he simply didn't want them to tell anyone about him, which naturally made me believe that he must have been horribly rough with them before he killed them and perhaps too tweaked up on speed to realize it. Even so, I told him to go to the authorities and confess, telling him that it was the only way to show God that he was truly sorry. I've given that advice a lot, and around here very few people follow it. And just like every other prisoner in here who cursed me for having the audacity to make such a suggestion, Chris proved to be no exception. When I refused to absolve him unless he went to the police, he got furious and demanded his penance. Of course I said no, and I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel great to say no to that man. Even 'great' isn't the right word… 'righteous' is more like it. Even when he got up and shoved his chair aside, demanding his penance once more, I felt utterly almighty as I turned around and said no right to his face. He cursed me, calling me a 'hack in black' (admittedly a new one for me), and then stormed out of the room.

Normally when someone is unwilling to do right by God when it involves His children, I just pray that He will change their heart to good and that there will be blessings of comfort for the people who have been harmed by the confessor's actions until then. It was what my instructor at the seminary had told me was the most loving thing to do when I was dealing with such people. But with Chris it was different. I forgot all about the people who had been harmed by Keller and focused on him. All I could think about was punishing him and trying to crush that enormous ego of his under the heel of my shoe. And did I mention proud I was? Oh yes, I was proud too. I wondered if anyone ever actually had the gumption to stand up to him and say no. Now, don't get me wrong; I was scared as I said it because I knew he could easily kill me for it, but I felt so sure of myself as I did it… like I was in the caring hands of Jesus Christ Himself. Now as I sit here recalling that moment, I can't help but see the irony in the fact that that's how a lot of the killers in Oz say they felt when they were taking someone else's life.

They say that feeling is addictive, too.

Boy, they're not kidding!

I asked him to come back and talk to me about that day this afternoon. That morning, I had realized the vanity in the way I had handled myself in the confessional, but I was still determined to get the message across to Chris. I don't know why, but something in me kept trying to make him not be another one of those cases who doesn't just express regret in the confessional and then keep going out into the world acting like the same petulant jerk as always. Why I couldn't just let him have his little temper tantrum is beyond me.

He strode into the room in Em City where I teach the sexual education course that is part of the mental and emotional health curriculum that is required for some of the prisoners here. I honestly don't know why they're running such a course. Most of the men who attend the class are just coming to have something to do. I can't help but wonder sometimes if I am one of them.

"You wanted to see me?" he asked. The anger in his eyes was hard to ignore.

"Yeah," I said, setting down the poster I was rolling into a tube. "The other day when you came to confession— when you told me about those homosexual men that you murdered, you got angry with me when I refused to absolve you."

"Did you change your mind?" he asked.

"Not exactly," I replied, taking full note of the way his eyes narrowed as I answered his question. Then I set about to doing the one thing I hate seeing people of the Catholic faith doing on their own accord… I tried to get him to strike a deal. "I really do want to grant you God's forgiveness," I said walking up to him with my hands on my hips, "but you've got to meet me halfway."

Chris looked at the floor. "I'm not telling the cops," he informed me. I started to say something back and he ran over me with more words. "I tell the cops, and this is what happens: you get a front row seat at my execution. And me? I'm burning in Hell a shitload sooner than I should be." The rage filled his eyes again as they met mine and he folded his arms in front of him. "That deal sucks… Father."

"You tell, you don't burn," I said.

His face twisted a bit as if he were actually considering it. He took a couple of steps closer to me. "You can guarantee me that?" he asked. The tone of his voice was different now.

"Yes," I said, knowing I was way out of line to not only promise such a thing, but also to promise such a thing to him.

I know that not every smile I see is a good sign, and I knew that the one Chris showed me at that moment was not one either. The problem is that I, like the rest of us, never know exactly what's going on behind that smile. See, I fully expected him to tell me that he still thought the deal sucked. What I didn't expect was that he was going to see right through me.

"I'm glad," he said very quietly, "that you're so fucking sure of yourself. But you know, if you're wrong, it's my dick roasting on a spit for all eternity. No thanks." And with that he left the room.

I watched him go and realized how grossly I had overestimated myself and my ability to get someone like him to change. Who was I to be making such a deal with him? Why had I even said such a thing to him in the first place? Why had I opted to try to bend the most manipulative, unrepentant person in Oz?

But I already knew the answer. It had nothing to do with Chris's salvation or his relationship with God. It didn't even have anything to do with Chris, really. I't was about me… and he knew it. He hadn't directly said that he had seen it in so many words, but the moment he challenged me about how sure I was of myself, I knew that he knew I wasn't really interested in saving him from the fires of Hell. I was trying to twist his ear on behalf of Tobias and Peter Marie. I was determined not to fail where they had. I wasn't going to let him play me for a sucker. No, I had tried to play him for one… and I had lost big.

"Fuck!" I whispered, realizing that my instructor had been right all along. I should have just stuck to praying that one day the man would see the light and the wisdom in doing this for the sake of God and the society of God's children too.

I hope He will forgive me for my pride.

And as strange as this may sound, I hope Chris will too.


End file.
